“You’d do best to hide behind a skip, or arm yourself with a dog poo on the end of a stick. It’s a rudimental weapon, I’ll admit, but it proves very effective at keeping charity muggers at bay, and for fighting your way to the front of the queue at the Post Office.”
Welcome to GUMBO - a delicious stew of words, pictures and kung-fu from CatchphraseDan, author of Monkfish Maggie and the Bungalow Stairs.
Stuffed to the socks with over 60 of CatchphraseDan’s soupiest illustrations and stacked high with 6 pieces of writing, GUMBO is a collection of comedy that will wet your jeans with laughter and make you sit in your PE kit for the rest of the day.
If you have ever wondered why flamingos are pink, or who invented ping-pong, then this chapter is for you - Knobby Norris Know-it-all’s Guide to Stuff answers all the questions you haven’t asked yet.
“Hair sometimes grows out of your face holes too, and can make you look like a salty old sea captain. If you want to look daring and dangerous, then grow your beard long and tie it above your head like a pair of glorious rabbit ears. This can be done with your chest hair too, but you need to grow it really long or else it probably won’t reach.”
CatchphraseDan recounts the sad story of how a gang of T.V network executives stopped him creating ‘Nun Negotiable’ - the Nun themed action show that was set to take over the world in 1996. It had grappling hooks, canyons and enough keytar solos to rock a man’s socks off and then rock him softly to sleep.
“I wrote a screenplay once, when I was just a wee boy. I moved to Los Angeles and spent four glorious months writing a pilot for a super exciting action show that was going to take the world by storm and fill the cabinet in my dining room up with academy awards and fan letters written in Steven Seagal’s dainty handwriting.”
CSI. Oceans. Adam Crabriguez. Sting Ratio Caine. Scarecrows.
“Adam Rodriguez was also in the show, and he was my second favourite character. He used to get really angry at stuff, but I can’t remember why. Maybe it’s because he didn’t know what CSI stood for. Crisps, Sandwiches and Irene. That’s what it should have stood for. Maybe there weren’t any sandwiches left over for him. That would make me fairly angry, so that’s probably what happened.”
Enter the cafeteria of Lunchlady Doris and find out what the heck a Spicy Falafelitazoneroni is and how to get your grubby hands on one. She’s escaped from a Bosnian prison and she doesn’t fancy going back any time soon, so choose what you want to eat and get out of her back hair. Scram!
“I’m Lunchlady Doris - you might have heard of my sister, Postlady Doris. Well, she’s a liar and a communist so forget anything she may have told you about me, or I’ll have to give you a paddlin’. Forgotten everything? Good, now let’s get food shovelled into your hungry mouths so you can leave me alone and get up out of my back hair.”
A sad poem from the disgraced world famous poet Juan Carlo. Bring tissues to mop your eyes, and a mop to mop the tissues.
“I’m going back to my narrowboat.”
Learn about Lady Crayfish, hear how snail ale is made and run free in the sun while you discover the hot tuna-chino, which is widely considered the worst way to consume fish.
There are enough servings of GUMBO here for everybody, so ladle some into your soup flask and enjoy it on the bus tomorrow. Be sure to make loud retching noises as you chug it down - that way everyone will know how much you are enjoying it.
Half comedy sketchbook, half comedy sketch show, GUMBO will brighten up your day and give you something to laugh about.
“You’d do best to hide behind a skip, or arm yourself with a dog poo on the end of a stick."